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Thursday, March 22, 2012

5 Childhood Games We Don’t Want To See As Movies

As Hollywood continues its assault on our childhood by persecuting cherished kids games with big screen adaptations like Candyland, Monopoly and the Rihanna-starring action film Battleship, we’ve thought of five other sacred board games we’d hate to see on the big screen, and their worst synopses.

Operation: A whole room of wannabe doctors trying unsuccessfully to conduct an operation with the added tension of a buzzer that rings every time they hit the wrong organ? This has a Will Ferrell overgrown male comedy, Adam Sandler (of course, after he’s done with Candyland) or Jonah Hill getting gastric bypass in Liluput written all over it.

Chutes and Ladders: More than likely, Hollywood would try to make this board game adaptation appeal to both a kid and adult audience. So be prepared for some Jumanji-like action scenes with a young girl and boy scurrying up ladders in a nail-biting race against death. Meanwhile, the audience weeps.

(I Got The) Connect Four: You’d think there would be no way Hollywood could dramatize a simple game of stacking chips on top of one another that was so much fun playing as a child. But, with the appropriate helmers, say, the Hughes brothers, and an opportunistic rapper trying to break into Hollywood (*cough* Rick Ross), we could have ourselves a massive drug lord sci-fi blockbuster on our hands.

Hungry, Hungry Hippos: If the powers that be had any say about it, this safe children’s game could turn violent in a flash and make it to the big screen if the crew from Jackass is behind it, because Goodness knows they like nonsense and violence, preferably together. Or, they could go another route and turn it into some kind of Jurassic Park-like adventure story. Don’t act like it can’t happen (and probably will).

Twister: In this demented horror version of the classic board game of balance and mayhem, unwitting tourists are forced to literally hold on for their lives. Brought to you by Human Centipede director Tom Six, right hand red takes on a new meaning that is simply…twisted.

Even Adult Swim knows they’re going too far…

(This story was originally written for The Urban Daily).


Dave Enkosky said...

Really funny piece. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised if all of these adaptations came to be.

Emmanuel Lopez - Motivatorman said...

OMG! I was reading and thought they were really making this movie on Operation! Whew!

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