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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Possibly Fatal Movie Events from 2012 that the Mayans Can Use Against Us

The Mayans have long predicted that tomorrow, December 21st, will be the end of days. And, I don't know about you, but I just want to make sure that this year's film tragedies are not held up in the court of apocalypse. So, without further ado, this is my plea to the Mayans that they discount the below catastrophes that plagued the film-going community this year:

Liam Neeson, the action figure (Battleship, Taken 2): Every actor has the right to dip in other genres now and again. But Liam Neeson has overstayed his welcome in the action game.Since we're faced with our own mortality here, we have to understand that he is mentioned here only because he's so good in his dramatic performances (i.e. Schindler's List, almost 20 years ago). We miss him so much as a real actor (not to say that the action genre doesn't allow real acting, but you know what I mean). Liam, I beg of you, put the children's games down and get back to making grown up movies. And a big screen Lego movie doesn't count. Obviously.

The found footage genre (Chronicle, Paranormal Activity 4): *Sigh* This one is a real nuisance because it rears its ugly head every couple of months. This brings us to the following question: when is the found footage genre going to finally get lost (and stay lost)? Chronicle was unwatchable, and the fourth installment of the horror franchise, Paranormal Activity, from what I hear, wasn't worth the price of admission. Yet these two are just the latest in this overrated and gimmicky genre. It's time folks, we need to flip the switch on this. Today.

Channing Tatum (Magic Mike, 21 Jump Street, People's Sexiest Man Alive): If he's the prototype for award-nominated acting, then we have a much bigger problem than the Mayans. Channing Tatum has made Hollywood his strip club, shimmying around half naked in one bad movie after the next while willing moviegoers throw dollars down his underoos. We have to do something about this, for real. Tatum has teased us with plans to "take a break," but he's still right here!!

Tyler Perry (Alex Cross, Good Deeds, Madea's Witness Protection):Unconfirmed evidence has shown that this actor/writer/director might have been working for the Mayans all along, but we just haven't been paying attention to the fact. Each year he continues to top his last failure with yet another epic disaster. It's almost fascinating at this point, but not fascinating enough for us to have suffer for its sins. Please let this not rule our fate. We will sacrifice his movies if we have to.

Abraham Lincoln (Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter): How come nobody told me that 213-year-old Abraham Lincoln was staging a comeback this year? And why wasn't it good? We're not even going to discuss why they had the man running around slaying vampires, but we must address the fact that he was dusted off to reenact events from his political career in one of the most boring yet exquisitely acted 95-hour long movies (and there were a few of them) this year. We could have really watched Lincoln on the History channel, where we would have easily been able to switch to another channel when imperative. Comeback fail.

The oxymoron that is Sacha Baron Cohen (The Dictator, Les Misérables): This one's tricky because Cohen is actually a decent actor. But then sometimes he's trying so hard not be good that our selective memory kicks in and we're unable to remember his more commendable performances, like in this year's Les Misérables and last year's Hugo. Sacha, we want to like you. Make it easier for us. The Mayans are watching.

Holla if you feel me.


Daniel said...

I'd contest the inclusion of Chronicle & Lincoln but other than that I'd you are spot on.

Tyler Perry seems to one of the biggest headscratchers because the quality doesn't seem to be particularly high for years, like Adam Sandler, yet most of his movies turn a profit.

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