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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Why I Probably Wouldn't Last Long In A Horror Movie



Ever since I was a child, I've been a scaredy cat. I'm afraid of the dark (I can't turn off the light in one room, without turning on the light in the room I am going to first). I can't go to sleep with my closet door open because that slither of darkness between the door and the open closet is just a breeding ground for nightmares. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video still creeps me out (and don't act like it doesn't send a shiver down your spine, too). And I wouldn't dare utter the word "Candyman" in the mirror even once, never mind five times.

But I love scary movies, always have. I've seen all the classics, at least twelve times over (The Exorcist, The Shining, Psycho and Poltergeist are just a few of my favorites). So October is a very exciting month for me, because I get to re-watch all of them in steady rotation like a raging lunatic the fan I am. Still, people who know me well have always thought it was funny that I watch so many horror films because I am so jumpy.

I can usually determine whether I'm watching a great horror movie by the amount of times I yell at the screen, trying to warn the fictional characters to stay away from the obvious impending danger. I always think I'm smarter than the characters in the film and could probably fare better had I been in this situation. But then I get real with myself and admit that I'd probably be out a few minutes after the opening credits. Here are eight reasons why:

1. I'd never investigate the strange noise: Let there be a mysterious creak or shuffling in the basement or attic, I'd just huddle in the corner on my floor, with eyes tightly shut, rocking back and forth repeating the following words: "there's no place like home...there's no place like home..." Then the big bad thing would probably just come and eat me. The end.

2. My faulty cell phone would surely play dead when I need it the most: We all know that cell phones aren't the most reliable, especially in emergencies (if you question this, you haven't seen any modern horror film). Mine is particularly temperamental, even on a good day (the screen sometimes goes blank and that annoying "emergencies only" message sometimes pops up even when I'm in the heart of a metropolitan area). So when the big bad thing is chasing me and I need to call for help, I'd pull it out my bag and it would probably do something it's never done before (like melt like an m&m in my hand or something). Damn thing.

3. I'd be the one who'd want to leave immediately at any hint of danger: What I've noticed about horror films is that whenever there is a group of characters, there's always one--just one--logical person in the bunch who is terrified and suggests they all go back home. I would be this person. But, if you've noticed, this person is always the first to die, and the too curious/nosy one ends up the hero. This isn't fair, but it's the truth.

4. My state of shock would last one fatal moment too long: I pride myself on the fact that I'm a pretty decent runner, so I have the potential to outpace all my cohorts in the efforts to escape the big bad thing. But, like many children in horror movies, my fear would keep me frozen in one position, screaming with unblinking eyes staring at the big bad thing until it eventually reaches me and knocks me out cold.

5. I would waste my one bullet on a passing reflection: The protagonist in a horror film often finds a weapon to use against the big bad thing. If they're lucky, they get their hands on a gun. But this gun always has a limited number of bullets in it, if any, so when they shoot they best have good aim (and a backup weapon). And not all of them do. I'd be the person who finds a gun and would amateurishly start shooting at everything, not realizing that the gun only had one bullet in it and I used it on the innocent mirror that showed a very scary reflection of the big bad thing (which is, coincidentally, right behind me ready to clobber me). Fear kills, people.

6. I'd spend my final hours lying still in my car after I inevitably run out of gas: If I ever end up trapped in a horror movie of my own making, I'd be alone, in the dark, on the side of the road with an empty tank. And since I've seen one too many horror films, I'd be too scared to receive any help from "good Samaritans" (they're not to be trusted). So I'd sit and wait in my car for someone I know to happen by in the middle of nowhere where I am, at night...in the cold. This would never happen, hence I'd freeze to death in my car.

7. I'm not very good in the woods, especially after dark: I'm actually not good anywhere after dark, as I mentioned before. I definitely don't want to be caught out being chased by the big bad thing in an obstructed area like a vast forest. Some people can do well in the woods. They may have built-in GPS that would lead them to the street. But I'd be the one trying to figure out making 360-degree circles in the forest like a madwoman looking for the escape route. Meanwhile, the big bad thing will stroll up to me (after laughing hysterically) and end me right then and there. SMH.

8. I'm terrified of things that are smaller than me: I have this stray cat in my neighborhood that always seems to jump out of the sky the bushes when I least expect it. I've seen it several times before, but it jumps out when I least expect it (i.e. all the time and in different places) and it always spooks the living daylights out of me. It has yet to ever do anything to me but walk down the street. I wish I could say it was bigger than 10 inches tall, but it's not. Thanks to horror films, I'm also scared of once harmless things like dolls and small children. If that little Chucky doll came at me, I always thought I'd pick him up by his legs and shove him down the garbage chute. But I'd likely cower against the wall and let him rob me of all my double AA batteries or whatever keeps that little freak going.

I'd like to think that I'd be tougher than this, but you just never know how fear will cripple you and alter your logic once you're actually in the situation. I make fun of the dumb mistakes these characters make in the films, but then I wonder, would I be any better?

3 comments:

Daniel said...

LOL, we share a lot in common. I love horror films but hate being in the dark and my wife shares the same trait with the closet door. I've pretty much assumed I'd be one of the first rounds of kills in any horror movie situation.

Enjoy your horror film binging!

Brittani Burnham said...

Hahahaha, awesome post. You remind me of my best friend, I love seeing horror movies with her because she jumps and shrieks so easily. I think it's hilarious. That being said, I wouldn't last long in a horror movie either. I've never shot a gun in my life, so I wouldn't even know how to take the safety off if I needed one. And screw investigating strange noises. I'll just assume it's normal and wait to be re-assured. lol

TheVern said...

Very good post. I would not survive in the woods at all and my use of weapons would be very poor. Even in the day light with the monster not even moving

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