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Thursday, July 24, 2014

5 Questions I Have After Watching the FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Trailer

As I've written previously on this blog, erotica tales are not my cup of tea. While watching pretty people doing sexy things on screen may hold my attention for, like, 15 minutes, a full length film just seems indulgent. Especially one that doesn't appear to have a premise, like FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (at least Addicted pretends to have one). But my curiosity got the best of me when I decided to check out the trailer for this film adaptation of E.L. James' popular first novel of the same name which has managed to titillate soccer moms everywhere. And, my, could it be more ridiculous than I even thought? Is that even possible?

Rather than offering my thoughts on the trailer, I'm just going to list the first questions that popped into my head while watching it.
  1. Who are these actors again? Should we care? Isn't watching two no-name actors copulating on screen kinda the same thing as watching a well choreographed home video sex tape gone viral? And if so, didn't the recent box office numbers for Sex Tape suggest that maybe said audiences weren't into that kind of thing (and at least we knew who those actors were)? 
  2. What's with the Devil Wears Prada rip-off? The actress here (I'll just call her Actress A to save time, because I know you don't really care who she is anyway) heads into a job( ?) interview with the dapper Christian Grey (played by Actor B) wearing similarly frumpy clothes a layer of low self-esteem and obviously clueless about who this guy is (I don't know who he is either, but he seems self-important, which means we should know him too?). At least Andy Sachs from Devil eventually transforms into a woman with great fashion and stands up for herself. Actress A's character seems to transform into a sex puppet. Awesome.
  3. Mr. Grey randomly states in the clip that "I don't do romance," yet we see him take Actress A on a fancy airplane ride and play songs for her on his piano. Yes, they have wild, kinky sex, but they also go out. Which...kinda reminds me of a relationship. A romantic one at that. So...?
  4. Wait, is Actress A supposed to be in love with Mr. Grey or whatever? Because why else would a creepy sounding remix of Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" (sans Jay Z, sadly) play throughout this clip? Is this a way to cater to the "urban" audience? Sorry, but I think Addicted already has that covered. Besides, this reminds me of Beyonce's equally strange contribution to the soundtrack of the hilariously bad Great Gatsby (shudders).  People, let's not do this again. Whatever you're trying to do, it ain't working. 
  5. What do fans of the books think of this trailer? I'm leaning heavily on the unfavorable side, but I haven't read the series. Is it as bad as this trailer? Is its mediocrity intentional? I'm clearly missing something here. 
Regardless of what people think of this trailer, I bet you anything this will likely be the number one movie when it opens just in time for Valentine's Day on February 13th next year. If you see a tall woman there in an oversized hat and sunglasses, that's just me incognito. I can't possibly show my face in the theater but I may need to know how they will fill up two hours with this nonsense


Anonymous said...

"Isn't watching two no-name actors copulating on screen kinda the same thing as watching a well choreographed home video sex tape gone viral?" Yes. Exactly. Amen.

s. said...

This will make Twilight look like timeless masterpiece. The main guy looks 15teen. Ew.

ruth said...

This is brilliant! You put into words all my reaction after watching this thing.

Mr Grey looks like a Patrick Bateman wannabe but instead of menacing he's cringe-inducing, like Sati said, pretty boy Jamie Dornan looks about 15, it's as if his billionaire dad is away for a month, leaving him access to his office, closet and private plane so he can play kinky grown-up dalliance with his high school girlfriend! I don't believe for one millisecond that he's smart enough to get a job as a store manager at a local Target, let alone a CEO of a big corporation!! I might rent this movie just for laughs :D

Brittani Burnham said...

This looks like something I'd get drunk and watch on Lifetime for snarking purposes.

Daniel said...

50 Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fan fiction, that alone leaves me utterly confused to the popularity of it. From the small excerpts I've read of the book, it's incredibly bad, terribly written to a laughably degree.......

People seem to forget that there's already a film that covers the same subject, S&M kinkiness, called 2002 Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

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